Dear Dexter

Dear Dexter,

Thank you for being patient while our riding time has been put on hold.  Thank you for continuing to get excited the few times I come out.  Our visits have become very special to me, even if its a few minutes to check you over and give you treats.  Somehow your soft nose and warm body have a way of grounding me.  Reminding me that even though times are stressful now, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and as long as I have you, I have some serenity in my life. 

Thank you for taking care of me as we start to ride together again.  For slowing down when you feel me loose my balance, and for picking up right where you left off even if I have a long way to go.  I appreciate that you did not forget you were a working horse and never offered to buck (yet) during these first few rides. 

Thank you for keeping your canter slow even on the straight aways.  I promise we will graduate out of the small pen and into the pasture soon.  The small pen is more for me than you.  I still need the security of it.  And thank you for pushing though with me as I try to get us both back in shape.  I know you've enjoyed your time off, but I can tell you are happy to go back to work.  And I can say I am happy to be working with you again. 

I know right now with the weather, and the baby and work we dont' see each other much.  I promise as Alex gets older and the weather gets warmer we will see more of each other, to be honest not as much as we used to, but we will make it work.  We will still ride and learn and show, I won't let all our hard work, your work ethic and talent go to waste... I promise.

Back in the Saddle!

Ok, some of you may have noticed I've been gone, and some may have guessed that the reason was because the newest member of our family has arrived.  You are correct!

Introducing Alexander Louis -

He is two months old now and I feel like I am just now getting my head above water.  FYI, babies are HARD work.  I wasn't able to even think about Dexter for the first month or so.  Now things are settling in and I've gotten to ride a few times.  Dexter has picked up right where we left off, maybe even a little better.  I on the other hand have completely forgotten how to ride.  I fall all over the place.  Poor Dexter tries to keep up, he stops or slows down every time I start to loose my balance.  It makes for quite an interesting ride. 

I've finally realized I won't be able to keep up my normal routine now that I have Alex.  I was hoping to find a day care open late enough that would still allow me to ride after work.  But reality has struck and a) there are not day cares open that late, and b) I realize that won't leave me much time to spend with Alex in the evening, and before he arrived I didn't really care about that, now I do.  I'm thinking I'll have the weekends and maybe one or 2 days a week I can swing it to go out and ride, not exactly the competition schedule I was working on last year (before I got pregnant), but we will have to make it work.  I am committed to continue riding as it is the only thing that makes me feel like me. 

Dexter meeting his new little brother.

A quick work on motherhood - I mentioned a few times my trepidation with becoming a mom before Alex arrived.  I've never felt like a mom nor have I had the desire to become one.  Everyone reassured me that I would magically fall in love with him as soon as he arrived.  This was not exactly true.  It is hard to love something that demands so much and returns so little regarding emotions.  I'm not saying I hated him, but I wasn't head over heals either.  For the first 6 weeks or so he was simply "my responsibility".  It was my job to keep him alive and happy.  I had a strong deidcation to him, but no emotional attachment.Then as he started to get a personality I started to bond a little more.  Now I do love him and enjoy the time we spend together.  I still enjoy my time away as well.  I don't feel defined as a mother, I am still me, I just now have an new characteristic to add to my identity.  Not sure why I felt compelled to add this to the blog, maybe because the "non"motherly are so under represented.  Everyone seems to think once you have a child you are a mom and that's it, that's all you want to talk about.  And I want to represent those who still want to be seen as an individual, not just "Alex's mom".

The "Horse Gene"

I know there are many of us out there who are the only ones obsessed with horses in our family.  A lucky few have grown up around them with their family, but it seems a lot of us got the horse bug and it never went away.  It makes me wonder where the "horse gene" gene comes from. 

Most little girls are fascinated by horses.  But for some of us, about the time our friends are packing away their "My Little Ponies" we are slipping on our jodphers or chaps.  Its not enough to read books and watch movies, we NEED to be around these animals, to touch, smell and just interact with them.  Even if it is walking around in a circle at the fair.But why, what compels us towards these animals?  As an adult I appreciate the incredible bond and trust that comes from working with such large animals, but was I that wise when I was 7?

For me, no one in my family ever rode horses or ever had the desire.  All I know is that when I was 7  I started to ask for riding lessons.  My mom said sure, but I'd have to give up tap/dance.  I don't remember thinking twice about it.  It was an easy decision for me.  I think my mom thought it might be a little girl phase, but it wasn't.  After 5 years of taking lessons in some lady's back yard my mom gave in and got me legit riding lessons and a horse.

And in all the years of watching me ride and compete the bug only bit my family once or twice.  My mom tried to take lessons when we switched barns, but only lasted a few times and always made me pick the horses feet.  Not because she's a pre-Madonna, I think she is just genuinly afraid of the size of the animal.  My brother rode my new horse once.... the day we got him.  And my dad bravely took a lesson once after we had my first horse for a while... My point is they all tried.... and still didn't get it.  So out of a family with no interest in horses how did I get obsessed? 

I don't remember the first time I ever rode a horse, I've been told it was a pony at a fair.  I was 4, he spooked, I fell off.  Not the best begining.  I do remember my first lesson.  It was on a 19 yr old Paso Fino, I was 7, all we did was walk.  But I got to steer and I was in control.  And I remember feeling so powerful and so free being on top of this huge animal and having it do exactly what I wanted.

And I know there are certain traits I have inherited that steer me towards Dressage, the need to be perftect and always have a clearly defined goal.  But my brother had those same traits and used them to become an Eagle Scout and later compete in rowing.  We have always been an animal freindly family (other than the horse we always had cats) but never an animal obsessed.... so what's my deal? our deal?

I don't really have an answer, I just find it facinating that so many of us come from families with no horse history.  And so many of us are deeply devoted and intrenched in the horse world.... so where does it come from??