So I've been putting off writing this blog for some time now. I wasn't sure f I was ready to share with the blog-o-sphere yet, or anyone for that matter. But as it is increasingly effecting my riding and plans, and its bound to come up some time, I've decided to go ahead and break the news.
Back in January I found out I was pregnant with our first child. And to be honest one of my first thoughts was to take out this season's show schedule and see how many shows I could fit in before I got to big. Can I get enough to qualify for year end awards? Can I even qualify for Championships? Will the baby be born in time for me to show at the Championships? I know... pretty skewed priorities. But getting Dexter trained and ready for this show season has consumed me for the last year, I'm supposed to throw that all out the window in one day?
And while I'm really trying to be excited about this new addition, I'm having difficulty. I've always been selfish, I'll admit that. And that is primarily why kids haven't been on my to do list. When people would ask me when I was planning on having kids I just said "I don't know." And what I was thinking was "Hadn't thought about it, and what do you mean when? " So whenever I was forced to think about it all I could think of was how my life would change, and what I wouldn't be able to do anymore. Would I have to sell Dexter? If I didn't would I have to spend less time with him? Would that be fair? If I didn't spend less time with Dexter would that mean I would be neglecting my child or husband??
But my wonderful husband has always wanted them and I started to worry that if I got older and changed my mind it would be too late so we stopped trying to not have them and gave into fate. Fate took a quick 2 months to decide, so here we are. As far as where I am in my life, its perfect timing. We both have decent jobs with no noise of lay offs or any of the other issues many people are facing these days. We make a decent living and have plenty of room for the little nugget. We aren't too old or too young. So everything is perfect on paper, now if I can just convince my heart and head of that.
Everyone says once it comes you'll feel different. I certainly hope so. My only solace right now is that I am, at heart, a perfectionist and an over-achiever, so anything I do in life I try to do to the best of my ability. So I imagine this will kick in when the child comes and I will do everything in my power to make sure it grows up to be a healthy and happy adult.
I know this is off topic and not a particularly popular view on motherhood but I try to be honest. And believe me, I want to have the motherly instincts and be like everyone else my age who is cooing over their new belly or baby. I know several of you out there are parents and please don't take my opinions as disrespect or that I think kids aren't great. I'm know they are, I know they are an amazing, wonderful addition to most people's lives. I just hope I'm one of those people.
Well I seem to be repeating myself . I just wanted to share the news so you all understand why I'm starting schooling shows so early and trying to fit at least 1 or 2 in every month. The debate on when/if to quite riding is still going on and that will be a whole separate blog.